Post VII - You won’t ever want to come / go back

Students,

Advertising is something I would never usually do (even though Ego doesn’t mind self-advertisement now and again) but after mine and the gang’s sojourn last weekend to a sleepy (read: comatose) corner of the Thai countryside I feel I really must allow our hosts the opportunity to sell what is available for the foreign tourists the village hopes to attract:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Come farang enjoy see old Thairand… Thai style Thai style!!!

You see things NEVER see before:

- The dam of water. Put your head through giant sunflower for photo – nice!
- Ancient pots and pans from forest people of 10,000 years ago (according to Japanese…)
- A forest with swamp where water comes from underground and there are many trees. Look Pollyanna! That one is green. That one is big… Take photo!
- See exotic fruits and vegetables. Look! A lime.
- Take a tour around village in car of tractor. 1mph speed. See amazing sights. Look! The dam. The sun. A field. A cow in the field. Smile for photos!
- Wake up early for go feed monks. Don’t look. Don’t speak. Don’t touch. You no wake up? The fairy comes to wake you anyway. Give him a banana! And he has a girlfriend, you know? Hahahahahaha shriek.
- Eat dinner on floor. Green curry - Thai style! Sticky rice – Thai style!! Move and talk to everyone, they Engrish learn. And fairy says speak Engrish on microphone.. is “f*cking c*nt” Engrish, teacher? We take photo and video you.
- Eat girls. They come. See you. Take photo! And see dancing girls. The music of xylophone and music of wail. You NEVER see Thai style before! I love you.
- Go bed same village Saturday night 8.01pm. Bad dogs guard you sleep.
- Sleep on wood table in Thai style RESORT house (read: shed), yes? No puking. Mind the sign.
- We give you form to fill. Take everywhere for essay write. Then take photos. Then go see monkeys.. NEVER see before! Take photos! (No wear flowers.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Id: No honey for honey. Or even money. Rest for wicked this weekend. Husband only one getting ‘A’. Go swimming in it! (But not in the country.)

Ego: Be British! Stiff upper lip only thing stiff in country. Unless you count scared stiff. Or stiff back from ‘bed.’ Or stiff smile. Village full of stiffs.

Superego: In the country I only wanted to go one way: home. Save it for old folks / hippy skanks / God botherers (“Ooh we can conver.. sorry, tell them about the Lord”) / swotty Japanese photo fetishists. Oh and be a man Chinese man: come out of the closet it’s nice out here and you playing straight must be such hard work.

Now before you go, let me be serious for a moment and say that the planning of the trip described was very hard work for the Thai locals and for that I am appreciative and mean no disrespect. As ever a little light ribbing is not uncalled for. However a fairy is to blame for coercing my group into attending and really should have been more forthcoming with the conditions and requirements of the area. I told him as much during the past school week. If I'd been in possession of the facts I would never have agreed - or dragged along my cohorts. Even though I come from a rural area and am used to roughing it, there is roughing it and then there is roughing it. Our experience was the latter and I am indebted to Brad and Natalie for coming along so I didn't lose my mind with the snap-happy Japanese (who were ridiculous!) or commit violence to an overly-eager headmistress.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

.

Homework: Put that lime to use and make me a little gin and tonic, sweetie.

.

x Teacher