Post IX - I Have Never

Students,

I find myself at the semi-regular (for me) junction in life where one wonders what to do next. There are of course many many opportunities for a semi-employable chap such as myself, but like Julia Roberts discovered in My Best Friend’s Wedding, reaching the 25+ wilderness of life requires one to take action and take back what you want. Unlike Julia Roberts (and her crazy nest of hair) I prefer to take action in matters of career not heart, and I find this leaves me devoid of psychotic bitch tendencies and/or the likelihood of making Cameron Diaz cry. Besides, why would anyone stalk that pouty ex of hers (and fiancé of Cameron) when she already has Rupert Everett on speed dial??? Priorities Julia. But I digress. In pondering what path to travel next I really have two options: stay in Lopburi and in the Pleasuredome (see previous post) or take my chances – and try again for another job – in Bangkok (see previous post.) I’m not sure at this point if I quite have the strength to return to the city and face more rudeness, so instead of being pro-active I will spend some time talking out of my navel with you dear students.

As mentioned I regrettably have reached the quarter century mark and this may (or may not) have launched me into my current series of existential episodes. One wonders what dreams are meant to be followed in the short time left…How one’s words and deeds can be assured of living on as time approaches one’s eventual extinction (especially as in my case no little junior’s will be left behind…) It seems apt then to save for posterity what has gone before. So I would like to introduce a psychoanalytical technique known colloquially as ‘I Have Never.’ Simply put all that is required is that the speaker (in this case Teacher) detail past deeds they have survived and then the captive audience (in this case Students) down a short of liquor if they have ever done the deed. At this point I authorize you to pull out your hip flask and pull out your moves. Work that drinking arm and exercise that trick jaw.

20 ‘I Have Never’s (in no particular order):

♂ Dated a millionaire. ♂ Trashed a hotel room like a rock star. Then bolted. ♂ Got the Romantic notion to run away from home on the back of a horse. ♂ Been stalked. ♂ Been a stalker. ♂ Done the kamikaze slide at a water park. ♂ Got a tattoo. ♂ Cooked and eaten haggis. ♂ Worked as PA to magician Paul Daniels (the glamour!) ♂ Been very naked in a very public place. ♂ Been robbed by a monkey. ♂ Drunkenly informed a (former) friend’s concerned mother that I had ‘A’ in her house. ♂ Been told off by police for ‘lewd’ behaviour. ♂ Ran for my city and swam for my county. ♂ Walked (almost) every trail and fell in the English Lake District. ♂ Survived a high(ish)-speed car crash (not my fault, either.) ♂ Caused a foreign tourist in my care to vomit out of terror. ♂ Broken someone’s heart x2. ♂ Stripped on-stage. ♂ Been so starved of money I starved myself and ate nothing but jam and pickles for two days.

Now all I have to do is pass some more time by thinking of things to do before I die... Students, I think I should confiscate that alcohol. It’s for the best.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Sober up.

x Teacher

Post IV – The Good and the Bad (no uglies) of Thailand

Students,

I am often asked “Teacher, do you miss England?” The short answer is “Yes, you twit.” But to answer the question as thoroughly as you’ve come to expect, I will forego id/ego/superego this blog and instead employ a simple technique known as 'Pros and Cons'. I myself am a pro but a con is a person of dubious character and lifestyle. I’d like to tell you I have never encountered such persons. But I can’t. Another time we will use a top psychiatrical technique known as 'I Have Never' and information on con artists (read: a certain former live-in lover) will no doubt be recollected. But not this blog. The 'Pros and Cons' today regard the land of the Thai and my good/bad experiences therein. Probing psycho-anal-ysis is sure to find a hard answer as to why I miss England but am very happy Thailand is my home from home.

Pros: Mental health is taken care of here through sun, sun, and more sun plus ego is stroked through celebrity status of being one of the few young (and therefore attractive) whiteys in town. Lopburi is a rural area surrounded by mountains and sunflower fields where if one were feeling adventurous one could straddle and ride a throbbing motorbike yonder… Or a trip to 7/11 for more Sangsom liquor and an exciting Queer as Folk marathon with soul brother Brad could also do the trick. The tedious work of the house is done through hotel home staff, and the never-ending work of the teacher is made easier by (similarly) hard-working students whose (sometime) guttural minds mirror my own* My Thai students, and the people in general, are beyond gracious and kind. Though they think me ‘serious’ for not smiling quite as much as they, I have a lot to thank them for. And the men are pretty darn hot too. I would suggest that the Thai’s penchant for tight uniforms on soldiers, police officers, and doctors be shared in every nation.

There is however one more pro I will note and that is Bangkok. Though polluted, crowded, full of old ugly balding fat cartoon-bodied westerners, and frigging expensive, one night in Bangkok is a sinful delight. While there with friend Jamie (a man whose sexual drive surpasses my own) and Lee (a man who does ‘rabbit in headlights’ to a T before delivering a quip so cutting it draws blood) we ventured into the night on Jamie’s assertions that the good stuff would come our way through an (endlessly repeated) instruction to a cabbie of “No bom bom no pay!” For I to recall and accurately convey the sights of Bangkok’s dark underbelly that night would require a five-drink minimum. Suffice to say that each visit to the city has brought much reliable ‘A’ action and its innuendo-inducing name is not for nothing.

Cons: Aside from missing family and friends the last 7+ months have been relatively con-free. That is save for two western teacher ‘exceptions’ (now thankfully buggered off.) One important matter that I have said and said again is that yellow just does not suit me. In their devotion to the King many Thais wear his colour all day. I’d love to myself but all three of id/ego/superego would first have to be unconscious. As would I. The Dean may mutter but on this issue I won’t budge. Call me vain… but don’t call me fat. And if other Thai teachers would take that on-board too (perhaps by noticing the rage cross my face as they make that particular statement) I would be as happy and gay and light of step as they.

* As example, a whole blog could be devoted to Creative Writing student Chen. His ‘creative’ responses to tasks usually involve some obsecenely entertaining interpretation of his sex life. That is except for last week when in response to a fictional postcard writing task he explained his dream holiday as being a trip to the moon with his best bud to see how far they could shoot their body juices in the low gravity… In addition there have been some classic sexually-charged quotations purred by my ladyboy students, my favourite so far being “Teacher, do you have big boy?”

So you see what riles me about life here is far outnumbered by the delights of living in a country so unique and special. I am English so do have episodes of unimpressed-ness such as when forced to wait an age in check-out queues, but Miss Winter, if you are reading, you will be amused to hear of a reduction in slacker tendencies due to my working alongside colleagues whose own ‘relaxed’ approach often borders on inertia. My mind here is refreshingly clear, and students you will be pleased to hear that teaching is once more a real passion and reason to get me going each morning...

But one more thing to end, besides family and friends and f_ _ k _ _ g (more) what do I miss about England? In brief: food like lasagne, potatoes, good cereals, Dad’s fajitas and Mum’s roast dinner, hanging out and milling about shops like Topman, British music and music channels, British TV, Saturday nights with Morrell, long laugh-out-loud phone calls with Zoë, getting told off by Sister for not being her suitably brotherly role model, going to the cinema, red wine, hearing rain while I fall asleep, my books and DVDs, being able to teach more Drama, and… dogs that are well-adjusted and don’t want to jump out with their whole ‘all bark no bite’ schtick.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Take a long hard look at yourself.

x Teacher