Shoot-to-Kill

Students,

I choose not to be around persons whom annoy and/or irritate me but sometimes I have no choice in the matter when such folk refuse to extricate themselves from my personal world. Now I know it shouldn’t bother me so much when I encounter Thai men openly hunting for treasure in their nasal passages while I’m on my morning commute. Maybe it also shouldn’t distress me when I hop hurriedly from the subway carriage only to face a line of Thai ladies dripping elegance in their high-heeled shoes but refusing to consider walking up the escalator so we can reach daylight through moving rather than standing still. However by far the worst offenses to my sensibilities are committed by fellow foreign guys who bring their pals into confined spaces with me only to a) raise the temperature with their sweaty bodies and b) raise my blood pressure with continued loud referencing of their sex lives. To them I posit yes, you are with a similarly grubby friend whose mid-life crisis no doubt has him eager to discuss these issues and yes, the majority of the public cannot understand what you’re harping on about… BUT I CAN! It wouldn’t be so bad if this was a rare occurrence but sadly for me it is a frighteningly frequent one. Investing in a new I-Pod has never seemed like such a good idea even though the last one brought annoyance through its continual malfunction (like every piece of technology I own) and also once led me to knock a motorcyclist over since I was so distracted by it... Maybe I was de-stressing with Metallica...

What is the answer? As you’d expect I have one. Last night I went to see the film Wanted with Angelina Jolie and new hot Scot James McAvoy. Leaving aside the storyline (which it seemed was written by a 15 year-old computer gamer) I was somewhat turned on by the idea of international assassinations. In fact by the end I was thoroughly convinced of the social benefits of hiring a mercenary to take out the few who cause me such consternation. Now let me emphasize that I am a devout pacifist; by way of example I can tell you that I can’t even bring myself to exterminate a large cockroach I sighted patrolling my kitchen floor over the last few mornings. My solution has simply been to make a loud (not at all girlish) noise and hope it’s gone when I open my eyes. But I have been tempted to inform my boyfriend of the pest because I know he’d be all for exacting a death sentence. Going back to the point of our topic though, as I sat in the cinema last night my mind settled itself on two definite targets – this time a pair I am acquainted with and really wish I weren’t – whom I would put in range for head shots without hesitation.

Teacher’s Death List

Kill 1. Saying you hate someone is kind-of strong, right? Well I hate a South-African guy we’ll call Farem. He lives with Na and has consistently proved himself to be one of the most repulsive creatures I’ve ever encountered. Allow me to explain. Farem is of large build and with a hairy belly which he plumps out for effect. He has the manner of certain bitchy self-promoting gays but turned up to about 11. He struts around invading the space of others with little care and with an odd sneer across his ugly face. While living alongside him he repeatedly remarked that he knew I’d like to sleep with him (I’d rather sleep with a rotting animal carcass actually) and even went so far as to barge in on me in the shower. He also has a fondness for playing mind games such as openly gossiping about me with my former partner; this is perhaps the main reason I despise the man. Trouble is even though we now don’t live in the same place I still can’t seem to be rid of him. I see him everywhere – out clubbing, on the street, on public transport, etc. The fact that he has followed (or perhaps encouraged) Na’s odd example to look/dress a little ‘draggish’ only adds to his toxicity. The final solution can only be a shoot-to-kill order.

Kill 2. This candidate is another whose presence I feel everywhere. There are certain individuals whom I would adore to feel everywhere but not this one. Let’s call him Xanzibar. The pock-faced irk is a couple of years younger than me and a foreigner of Eastern European origin. I feel the world – or the gay world at any rate – would be much happier if he were not part of it. Live and let live can change to die and let die in his case. My reasons: Similarly to Farem he constantly wears an affected smug expression that suggests you are not worthy of his greatness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Xanzibar is so white he is practically transparent and even though he is a man of few words all of them are dumb and filled with misguided self-importance. He is BORING. He also tries to look cool with a lollipop stick in his mouth whenever strolling around the club. Worst crime though – he’s joined the same gym and seems to be there whenever I am. Yeeech! The gym should be a place for me to release endorphins and admire beautiful people, not toads like he! Shoot-to-kill needed.

In both of these cases self-delusion and seeming arrogance could mask insecurities but I think the simpler answer is the correct one: they are just unpleasant. And maybe I am too for suggesting they should be wiped out. However my blog is about my world and in my world I call the shots. So… Bang and bang!

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Leave the marking to me and get on with the rubbing out.

.

x Teacher

Brotherly Love

Students,

I have been putting off telling you about a secret pain afflicting my very core, but there comes a time to talk about such things so here goes. I wish to speak of a fine Californian gentleman whom has now left the party in Bangkok and, in doing so, left behind a broken-up soul brother in myself. Not only that but I reckon if I were to venture out alone sans partner in crime, the clubs we once frequented would be filled with the many he loved (for one night only) and has now callously moved 5000 miles away from. And for what? J.W. always RSVP’d and was never one to go home early. Even when his brother bowed out from a night of sweat and glitter, he kept on going in a manner not dissimilar to those pink Duracell bunnies. Of course that was not the only quality he shared with the rabbit family…

I mourn his departure for our time together was so very brief. We bonded over a shared passion for dancing and di… disco. In fact I believe our first meeting was the result of the classic dance-off situation where two gentlemen meet under a hail of neon lights and must decide whether they are bed partners or life partners. We were the latter. But not in the tedious ‘let’s meet up and discuss love and interior design’ sense. Our shared interest was for playing hard and living fast. Yes, we’d teach during the day and tick all the boxes required of us but come the cover of darkness we took it to the clubs and we gave it good…

Too emphatic? Maybe. But the level of fun with J.W. was always several notches above normal. On a particularly memorable Saturday he decided to add a little bleach to his hair. After losing track of time while chatting he suddenly realized his blonde locks should have been rinsed out already so he rushed to the sink and was gone for some minutes. On returning, all present were interested to discover that J.W.’s hair had turned blue. But being him he didn’t worry, didn’t despair, he just laughed, worked the look, and danced his cares away later. As blogged previously, the right kind of confidence and the right kind of attitude was enough to get this smart guy exactly what and where he wanted that night.

Another night J.W. really made me smile was when he expressed his interest in moving from the dancefloor of late club G.O.D. (Guys On Display) to what can only be described as a ‘bird cage’ hanging next to it. Alright, it was bigger than a bird cage but it served the same purpose – get inside and you’d be prodded and poked by all around and at the least, be gawped at and talked about. In the spirit of play I got us inside and there we climbed, shirtless and hysterical, laughing at the absurdity of our situation. We let go and lived life. We were together at 4am in a crowded gay dance club. There were hot ‘up for it’ guys everywhere and as we moved to the beat we knew that if gay men deserved a place of worship, then G.O.D. was their church.

I mentioned missing J.W. today and as the friend I was talking to glanced my way he noted that I looked as if I could cry. Being British and none too emotional it surprised me to find he was right, I could cry at my brother’s absence. No longer does he call me every lunchtime mocking himself and a scene that had been caused by another of his over-eager Thai suitors. We can’t meet for dinner only to get drunk on sake instead. And he isn’t there to listen patiently to my musing about Na before snapping me out of it to make sure I’m laughing too.

In short although the man says he has plans to return, he must return. Soon. I demand nothing less. Because until he does the world will seem just a little less well… blue.

J.W. – One-of-a-kind. A legend. Gone but not forgotten, as I adapt to party time without you by my side, I’ll try to ensure your (dis)honour lives on through me. Until you come back. Soon, dammit.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Don’t feel blue. That’s for me not you.

x Teacher

Bachelor Pad

Students,

Although you may be only vaguely familiar with your teacher’s domestic life, I am delighted to report of my first permanent dwelling in Bangkok. After moving from The Pleasuredome, rooming with friends, and then a significant other (as previously blogged), I am now renting a spacious bachelor pad in a veritable gay community. My new one-bedroom apartment is within walking distance from the nightlife you know I am so fond of, and is also surrounded by a collection of happy homo-owners (sorry.)

It turns out that the ill-advised relationship of a few weeks prior allowed just enough time for a rental opportunity to come up in the building I previously stayed. Making an agreement with my friends and lodgers now means they’re my landlords, and we’ve embarked on doing up the pad with eclectic yet tasteful flair. So far I have a fully functional kitchen sporting a gas stove should I wish to (or have time to) cook. I also have a large fridge/freezer should I wish to chill anything other than water, wine, vodka, and ice (perfect dinner for one.)

In the bathroom I have a shower that fits two (already tested) and in the bedroom I have an Asian-style floor bed to accommodate myself and any Asian-styled guests (already tested.) The bedroom itself has some very bold apple-green walls and raspberry coloured decorative items. Of course the bed is black. From the bedroom one (or two) can access an outside balcony with enough floor space and privacy come any eventuality (already tested.) Two very important bedroom features are a Narnia-effect built-in closet (insert own joke here) and a stylish CD player for all those pre-club warm-ups… and post-club warm-ups…

The big decision now is whatever to do with the remainder of my main room. The kitchen and dining areas occupy some of its dimensions, but what is left offers tantalizing opportunities for private pleasures. Who could resist a cushioned dancefloor? Play room with accessories to bind and unwind? Ultimately this is an issue upon which I turn to you, devoted delinquent designers…

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Design for thine.

x Teacher

Love and Lunacy

Students,

I am a man who likes to try new things. Sometimes there are things that I like very much and wonder why I lived without them (banana bread, pilates, and jewellery for intimate places fall into this category.) And then there are those things that I try but that fail to grab me (liquorice, going to bed early, and doing drag fall into this category.) But I think it is good to push oneself and not always follow conventional / safe logic. Such was the case when I recently decided to halt my embargo on boyfriends and give it a try with a handsome 32 year old Thai gentleman and fellow clubgoer. I will point out right now that the relationship such as it was is now over, but it was an interesting experiment while it lasted. It certainly roused some previously forgotten sensations in me. Love? Who knows? Here goes with the analysis…

Let's say his name is Na. We had some fun at his place one holiday weekend and I enjoyed his confident manliness and the assertiveness with which he made the moves. As previously blogged I think there is nothing more attractive than the right kind of self-confidence, and I had seen him and been noticing that for some weeks prior to our meeting. His look is certainly striking and this makes him a successful ‘It Boy’ and business owner (he is a hairdresser.) What I had categorized as a one-time encounter then turned into more when, after not replying to his messages during the week, I saw him again on Saturday night. He looked at me in an intense way that immediately shook me. It was not normal, and as the music swelled in my ears I was drawn to his arms, body, lips. I think sometimes a mood or feeling just grips you. With me it is usually impatience, exuberance at work, or enjoyment of my friends. This time the feeling for Na was complete and consuming and it stayed there as we spent the next 24 hours together.

I’m not sure if it was him or me that first suggested dating, but it was definitely him that suggested I should move into his house. This he reasoned would ensure us being around each other to see if things worked as a relationship. In hindsight it was practically viable, but it meant the exciting dating part was lost. Had we lived apart and made time for dinners, seeing a film, or going for a walk in the park, then maybe we could have kept a lightness to the experience. As it was, co-habitation made things too domesticated, too serious, too quick.

Beginning a relationship is difficult for anyone at anytime. There had been a lot of time since my last ‘proper’ relationship and even then I remember feelings were less than strong. In the intervening year+ I focused on myself, getting better after illness, and getting better as a teacher. For the first time in years I was not one half of a pair and it suited me. I never felt alone or needy and I was not particularly resentful or bitter about those who had found ‘the one’. I had friends and opportunities for flings along the way. Then I was struck by Na, this great kind handsome sexy successful guy who invited me into his life. But, as it turned out, was reluctant to invite me into his heart.

Meanwhile my heart was wide open. And this is where the ‘lunacy’ of the title comes in. My new relationship unfortunately coincided with a set of problems concerning finances and a visa. It was necessary for me to borrow cash and take a 14 hour train journey to neighbouring Laos, stress about leaving/returning to Thailand, wait 4 hours for a return train in a nowheresville, then sit for 14 hours back to Bangkok. With little else to think of and little power on my I-Pod I started to obsess. Like I dunno… Ally McBeal. Yeah. Yeesh. Sadly all of this thinking manifested itself in an epic outburst the following Friday night. This is when I knew the relationship and I were not a good mix and, through no fault of his own, Na was not ready to commit with his emotions. In other words he was understating things and I was OVERstating dramatically. It is odd when your irrational Id explodes to the surface even as your rational Ego tries desperately to kick logic into the equation and stop the words spilling out. The upshot was he clearly (and at the time rightly) thought I was somewhat psychotic… I’m not sure what other Thais in the club audience felt as outbursts like that are often part of dating here…

The remaining time of what came to be a three-week relationship was spent avoiding everything but great sex which, of course, does not have to be an emotional act. At least between gay men. (My exasperated straight male colleagues and the new Sex and the City film inform me that girls are a different story.) Anyway it all came to an end quite peaceably and at my hand when I sat him down and explained why I didn’t thinking it was working for me or him. By a stroke of luck an apartment became vacant in the same building as my friends and this thankfully ensured homelessness was not a (big) issue.

As I moved out of his house a few days later we found upon reflection that we felt basically the same and had done all along. For various good reasons relationships had been, and should have continued to be, off the cards for us. But we tried and it wasn’t something I’d call a failure or a negative experience. We will not date now, but with emotions out of the way we may get on with what we are great at. And this could be something we share together because we still like each other a lot. I hope I’m not jaded, and the possibility of being with someone long-term might be a possibility in the future. I think a problem is that the relationship I have with myself is of paramount importance and still needs more time to grow. I enjoy my life as it is – so does Na with his life – and I feel the confidence and willingness to try new things is leading me in interesting personal directions. From 17 I found myself in long-term committed relationships and though these were wonderful, fulfilling times, I now feel I missed out on making it on my own and playing the field. I was also a lot shyer then and very much immersed in the mindset of social do’s and don’ts for relationships. It wasn’t necessarily oppressive, but had that kind of life situation continued it would have closed me off from the freedom and joy I feel living now.

So students, what did I learn? I learned that I am capable of feeling deeply and caring for another guy (I wasn’t sure.) I learned that dating a Thai guy means also dating his friends. I learned that I am somewhat selfish. I like my own space and schedule, and feel weird being publicly known as part of an ‘It’ couple. I need to learn how to be domesticated too. But most of all I learned that I still have a lot to learn. And that’s not a bad thing. After all I do have youth and looks on my side…

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.

x Teacher