Family and Fate

Students,

Some of you may know that the reason for my absence here is a family emergency that led to my leaving Thailand and returning to the UK. It's very hard to put into words how I feel about my father battling leukemia and that's why I haven't tried to, even though I've wanted to. I'm actually afraid I've shied away from confronting my true feelings and going through it in my head. My family have told me I should do this as, to them, talking is a way of coming to terms with what's happened/is happening. Unfortunately though I can't. To be honest I see it all as cruel fate and after cursing the universe repeatedly for this terrible senseless thing I find what's left is too painful to talk about. So far I've chosen to keep my mind as uncomplicated - trivial if you like - as possible. But then that becomes a problem in itself and, as I read back over my 40 (!) previous blogs one thing that hits home is that maybe I'd created myself a world focused on me alone. Everything was intentionally trivial, on my own terms, and nothing touched me because I was too busy. Now that has gone (even temporarily) and I've got to adapt to a situation that's beyond my control. I've got to find the means to cope with doing what I came back to do: support my mother and sister at this time. I've also got to let go of my feelings - however incomprehensible and contradictory they are - and I may as well do that here...

I realise now that being away from home for so long had an impact on my family relationships. I was feeling this year like I had found both my path and myself after a painful few years of self-doubt. I was finally doing things my way. The only thing was that my family didn't fit into this picture and, even though my parents visited my new home, I failed to act as they wanted me to. Yet, isn't this a similar picture for any non-conformist mid-20s man who has left in search of something that better suits their needs? Is a feeling of alienness so uncommon in a family? (Especially one that is geographically separated.)

The fact is that different lives work for different people and I don't think my enthusiastic recounting of an all-night party in Bangkok's gay clubs would go down too well with my folks even though it's of gripping interest to myself and my friendship group! In another way discussing life after leukemia is not really something I wish to contribute to. I choose to be a listener and though I don't mind this role it does tend to make me go internally crazy. In my regular conversation I am realistic, brief, and to the point; I wonder is there a point when trying to make sense of the future? Do you get my frustration?

When my parents began to find themselves frustrated with me around their house (it never takes long as we have opposite views on the best way to use free time - I like the daily routine of free time to lack 'routine' tasks as much as possible) they began to call me "selfish." They still can't understand why I long for silence and peace on my own or that I want to be away from my home country. They also can't understand why I'm unable to be satisfied in my teaching job here or else put my feelings on hold for the sake of my father and the more-important situation. After a couple of months with them I've failed to cry openly, pour my heart out, or want to be there as they did these things. Does that make me a bad son? A closed-off person divorced from matters of family? Am I inherently selfish?

After mulling the above questions I think that my personality such as it is doesn't easily lend itself to huge affection or being the backbone of a family. I'd never want to start and raise a family myself; I prefer instead to show kindness in my work with young people. Don't get me wrong I do care but I'm fiercely private by nature and my identity is largely defined by my friendships. My friends don't matter more than my family (obviously they don't or I wouldn't be in the UK right now), but they allow me a freedom and joy that is entirely me. I've known my family all my life and there are fundamental differences in how we see and respond to the world. Their lives, their world, has always been here and it probably always will be. There's nothing wrong with that but I've known the 'real me' for only a short time and I love it. It is tied to Thailand and right now in England it seems so foreign. I am apart from my community, my lover, my life, my world.

Having said all of the above you have to ask if it really amounts to much when faced with such a serious situation that hits so close to home? This is the paradox I wrestle with and feel guilt over as I lie awake at night. It's a paradox because they say that something as serious as a life or death situation makes you take stock, recognise what is important, and focus on that. My Dad is of upmost importance to me. His body cannot let him down and I won't even consider that possibility even as my mother and sister question "What if?" It's too upsetting. He has given me so much and now I find it hard to give back. But I try and I try again and my actions or seeming inactions, my stunted expressions of how I feel don't seem to give what is required of me in the situation. I love deeply and truely however, what I say and what I do is misconstrued because in my mind I'll admit I cannot help feeling resentful and I cannot deny the importance of all I have that is not here. I can only repress these feelings for so long before they explode to the surface, usually ruining a dinner and making me look like a petulant child.

I wish I could eloquently explain to my parents how the life I found is so important. It comforts me, inspires me, makes me feel in step with everything. It is everything. Then again can't you say the same of the people who gave birth to you, guided you, taught you, invested time and money in you over and over and over again? After all, any contradictions of personality, instances of fierce temper, stubbornness, and self-conflict, all of this alienness was inherited or founded in my formative years. Sometimes when I teach and have to chastise a student I surprise myself by spouting out some expression belonging to my mother. It's scary and epic how much is shared and how much I owe my family; it's in my head and my blood. Nobody makes me feel as they do.

What I found overseas and claimed as mine is something I won't share and I need it back soon. When I get the chance I will take it back with both hands, but I think I will do so with a greater sense of purpose and humility because that's what my family - and my brave father - is giving me now however much I try to resist. The life that they had made for themselves has been torn apart suddenly and devastatingly and as I struggle to cope, feel out of control, and take it all out on them I am still humbled by their love and commitment and their positive belief. That's why I know in the end everything will be ok, fate will right itself and we can all go back to normal. In the meantime I will cope by taking control where I can. I will be true to my work and my personal life by doing good things for and with my students, and staying in touch with my boyfriend and my friends. Lastly I will show solidarity, tolerance, and love to my family by just being here. That's all I can do.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Make sure to come back again soon for nice pictures and less 'heavy' issues. See you next time!

x Teacher