Family and Fate

Students,

Some of you may know that the reason for my absence here is a family emergency that led to my leaving Thailand and returning to the UK. It's very hard to put into words how I feel about my father battling leukemia and that's why I haven't tried to, even though I've wanted to. I'm actually afraid I've shied away from confronting my true feelings and going through it in my head. My family have told me I should do this as, to them, talking is a way of coming to terms with what's happened/is happening. Unfortunately though I can't. To be honest I see it all as cruel fate and after cursing the universe repeatedly for this terrible senseless thing I find what's left is too painful to talk about. So far I've chosen to keep my mind as uncomplicated - trivial if you like - as possible. But then that becomes a problem in itself and, as I read back over my 40 (!) previous blogs one thing that hits home is that maybe I'd created myself a world focused on me alone. Everything was intentionally trivial, on my own terms, and nothing touched me because I was too busy. Now that has gone (even temporarily) and I've got to adapt to a situation that's beyond my control. I've got to find the means to cope with doing what I came back to do: support my mother and sister at this time. I've also got to let go of my feelings - however incomprehensible and contradictory they are - and I may as well do that here...

I realise now that being away from home for so long had an impact on my family relationships. I was feeling this year like I had found both my path and myself after a painful few years of self-doubt. I was finally doing things my way. The only thing was that my family didn't fit into this picture and, even though my parents visited my new home, I failed to act as they wanted me to. Yet, isn't this a similar picture for any non-conformist mid-20s man who has left in search of something that better suits their needs? Is a feeling of alienness so uncommon in a family? (Especially one that is geographically separated.)

The fact is that different lives work for different people and I don't think my enthusiastic recounting of an all-night party in Bangkok's gay clubs would go down too well with my folks even though it's of gripping interest to myself and my friendship group! In another way discussing life after leukemia is not really something I wish to contribute to. I choose to be a listener and though I don't mind this role it does tend to make me go internally crazy. In my regular conversation I am realistic, brief, and to the point; I wonder is there a point when trying to make sense of the future? Do you get my frustration?

When my parents began to find themselves frustrated with me around their house (it never takes long as we have opposite views on the best way to use free time - I like the daily routine of free time to lack 'routine' tasks as much as possible) they began to call me "selfish." They still can't understand why I long for silence and peace on my own or that I want to be away from my home country. They also can't understand why I'm unable to be satisfied in my teaching job here or else put my feelings on hold for the sake of my father and the more-important situation. After a couple of months with them I've failed to cry openly, pour my heart out, or want to be there as they did these things. Does that make me a bad son? A closed-off person divorced from matters of family? Am I inherently selfish?

After mulling the above questions I think that my personality such as it is doesn't easily lend itself to huge affection or being the backbone of a family. I'd never want to start and raise a family myself; I prefer instead to show kindness in my work with young people. Don't get me wrong I do care but I'm fiercely private by nature and my identity is largely defined by my friendships. My friends don't matter more than my family (obviously they don't or I wouldn't be in the UK right now), but they allow me a freedom and joy that is entirely me. I've known my family all my life and there are fundamental differences in how we see and respond to the world. Their lives, their world, has always been here and it probably always will be. There's nothing wrong with that but I've known the 'real me' for only a short time and I love it. It is tied to Thailand and right now in England it seems so foreign. I am apart from my community, my lover, my life, my world.

Having said all of the above you have to ask if it really amounts to much when faced with such a serious situation that hits so close to home? This is the paradox I wrestle with and feel guilt over as I lie awake at night. It's a paradox because they say that something as serious as a life or death situation makes you take stock, recognise what is important, and focus on that. My Dad is of upmost importance to me. His body cannot let him down and I won't even consider that possibility even as my mother and sister question "What if?" It's too upsetting. He has given me so much and now I find it hard to give back. But I try and I try again and my actions or seeming inactions, my stunted expressions of how I feel don't seem to give what is required of me in the situation. I love deeply and truely however, what I say and what I do is misconstrued because in my mind I'll admit I cannot help feeling resentful and I cannot deny the importance of all I have that is not here. I can only repress these feelings for so long before they explode to the surface, usually ruining a dinner and making me look like a petulant child.

I wish I could eloquently explain to my parents how the life I found is so important. It comforts me, inspires me, makes me feel in step with everything. It is everything. Then again can't you say the same of the people who gave birth to you, guided you, taught you, invested time and money in you over and over and over again? After all, any contradictions of personality, instances of fierce temper, stubbornness, and self-conflict, all of this alienness was inherited or founded in my formative years. Sometimes when I teach and have to chastise a student I surprise myself by spouting out some expression belonging to my mother. It's scary and epic how much is shared and how much I owe my family; it's in my head and my blood. Nobody makes me feel as they do.

What I found overseas and claimed as mine is something I won't share and I need it back soon. When I get the chance I will take it back with both hands, but I think I will do so with a greater sense of purpose and humility because that's what my family - and my brave father - is giving me now however much I try to resist. The life that they had made for themselves has been torn apart suddenly and devastatingly and as I struggle to cope, feel out of control, and take it all out on them I am still humbled by their love and commitment and their positive belief. That's why I know in the end everything will be ok, fate will right itself and we can all go back to normal. In the meantime I will cope by taking control where I can. I will be true to my work and my personal life by doing good things for and with my students, and staying in touch with my boyfriend and my friends. Lastly I will show solidarity, tolerance, and love to my family by just being here. That's all I can do.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Make sure to come back again soon for nice pictures and less 'heavy' issues. See you next time!

x Teacher

Shoot-to-Kill

Students,

I choose not to be around persons whom annoy and/or irritate me but sometimes I have no choice in the matter when such folk refuse to extricate themselves from my personal world. Now I know it shouldn’t bother me so much when I encounter Thai men openly hunting for treasure in their nasal passages while I’m on my morning commute. Maybe it also shouldn’t distress me when I hop hurriedly from the subway carriage only to face a line of Thai ladies dripping elegance in their high-heeled shoes but refusing to consider walking up the escalator so we can reach daylight through moving rather than standing still. However by far the worst offenses to my sensibilities are committed by fellow foreign guys who bring their pals into confined spaces with me only to a) raise the temperature with their sweaty bodies and b) raise my blood pressure with continued loud referencing of their sex lives. To them I posit yes, you are with a similarly grubby friend whose mid-life crisis no doubt has him eager to discuss these issues and yes, the majority of the public cannot understand what you’re harping on about… BUT I CAN! It wouldn’t be so bad if this was a rare occurrence but sadly for me it is a frighteningly frequent one. Investing in a new I-Pod has never seemed like such a good idea even though the last one brought annoyance through its continual malfunction (like every piece of technology I own) and also once led me to knock a motorcyclist over since I was so distracted by it... Maybe I was de-stressing with Metallica...

What is the answer? As you’d expect I have one. Last night I went to see the film Wanted with Angelina Jolie and new hot Scot James McAvoy. Leaving aside the storyline (which it seemed was written by a 15 year-old computer gamer) I was somewhat turned on by the idea of international assassinations. In fact by the end I was thoroughly convinced of the social benefits of hiring a mercenary to take out the few who cause me such consternation. Now let me emphasize that I am a devout pacifist; by way of example I can tell you that I can’t even bring myself to exterminate a large cockroach I sighted patrolling my kitchen floor over the last few mornings. My solution has simply been to make a loud (not at all girlish) noise and hope it’s gone when I open my eyes. But I have been tempted to inform my boyfriend of the pest because I know he’d be all for exacting a death sentence. Going back to the point of our topic though, as I sat in the cinema last night my mind settled itself on two definite targets – this time a pair I am acquainted with and really wish I weren’t – whom I would put in range for head shots without hesitation.

Teacher’s Death List

Kill 1. Saying you hate someone is kind-of strong, right? Well I hate a South-African guy we’ll call Farem. He lives with Na and has consistently proved himself to be one of the most repulsive creatures I’ve ever encountered. Allow me to explain. Farem is of large build and with a hairy belly which he plumps out for effect. He has the manner of certain bitchy self-promoting gays but turned up to about 11. He struts around invading the space of others with little care and with an odd sneer across his ugly face. While living alongside him he repeatedly remarked that he knew I’d like to sleep with him (I’d rather sleep with a rotting animal carcass actually) and even went so far as to barge in on me in the shower. He also has a fondness for playing mind games such as openly gossiping about me with my former partner; this is perhaps the main reason I despise the man. Trouble is even though we now don’t live in the same place I still can’t seem to be rid of him. I see him everywhere – out clubbing, on the street, on public transport, etc. The fact that he has followed (or perhaps encouraged) Na’s odd example to look/dress a little ‘draggish’ only adds to his toxicity. The final solution can only be a shoot-to-kill order.

Kill 2. This candidate is another whose presence I feel everywhere. There are certain individuals whom I would adore to feel everywhere but not this one. Let’s call him Xanzibar. The pock-faced irk is a couple of years younger than me and a foreigner of Eastern European origin. I feel the world – or the gay world at any rate – would be much happier if he were not part of it. Live and let live can change to die and let die in his case. My reasons: Similarly to Farem he constantly wears an affected smug expression that suggests you are not worthy of his greatness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Xanzibar is so white he is practically transparent and even though he is a man of few words all of them are dumb and filled with misguided self-importance. He is BORING. He also tries to look cool with a lollipop stick in his mouth whenever strolling around the club. Worst crime though – he’s joined the same gym and seems to be there whenever I am. Yeeech! The gym should be a place for me to release endorphins and admire beautiful people, not toads like he! Shoot-to-kill needed.

In both of these cases self-delusion and seeming arrogance could mask insecurities but I think the simpler answer is the correct one: they are just unpleasant. And maybe I am too for suggesting they should be wiped out. However my blog is about my world and in my world I call the shots. So… Bang and bang!

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Leave the marking to me and get on with the rubbing out.

.

x Teacher

Work in Progress

Students,

I got to feeling a tad philosophical today after it occurred to me that among my core of friends here and back home I must be by far the most irresponsible. I don’t have a mortgage, a marriage, a child or any other small animals, and I certainly don’t have any notions of acquiring these things in the distant future. As I mused I began to feel not so much troubled as liberated. Who wants to be tied down by life when one can live almost completely for pleasure… And perhaps be tied down in other ways while about it? Life is all theatre after all.

One thing I love about Thailand is the relaxed pace and general easiness of everyone with everyone else. This may all be surface, and underneath the country’s inhabitants are a seething mass of frustration, but as long as that stays unacknowledged I prefer it to the confrontations I found were part of my daily life in the UK. Perhaps it was my irresponsibility that didn’t fit with the culture there and I do remember an office assistant job that frequently resulted in my being reprimanded because my casual approach was not tolerated. Maybe I just don’t come from the mould of a ‘normal’ person who strives to climb the career ladder, buy property, and settle down. They have never been outcomes I’ve longed for. And then I look on Facebook and friends from school have ticked all the boxes… Should I feel old knowing such upstanding citizens or young because I’m their antithesis?

On occasion my wider family have struggled to understand my random drifting – and especially – my current location. Why am I here? Because it’s FUN. I have a blast every day; I see new things, meet new people, and have the privilege of being respected and smiled at in my work. The social life is amazing too. I don’t have to be guarded about my sexuality when out on the town or concerned that if I catch someone’s eye on the subway they will misconstrue that and get defensive (or offensive.) I can hold my partner’s hand if I want to and often hold his shoulder as we walk around in public. More than that though my life feels full and fast. I always have something to occupy myself and this makes me outgoing and involved with the world. I don’t feel like I’m failing even though I have faults. Where in the UK I would reach for some medication, here I reach for the phone and plan to be with my friends. Who don’t have marriages. Or mortgages. Or children. Or pets. And that’s all ok. We’re experiencing something else…

…People ask me all the time “When will you go home?” To that I tell them “Why would I want to?” Right here right now is what’s important to me and right here right now I have everything I need. I take responsibility for today and let the rest figure itself out. Scary? That is one of the benefits of being irresponsible. I realize now I’m not a failure or a quitter I just like doing things differently and not expecting all this stuff from my life. The unexpected feels like living to me and I love to live. Actually I think I’m a work in progress and maybe all this will sound daft when I look at it next time having changed my mind. But as I drift at the moment I get my drift. How about you?

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Expression not repression.

x Teacher

Picture Post - Out & About

Students,

I’ve been talking a lot about the social mores of Bangkok, but often words cannot do justice to the exciting times your devoted Teacher enjoys when not in class. Therefore I will stop talking and let you once more nosily peruse some snaps from my photo album. Below you will see another saucy image from my recent drama collaboration as well as assorted friends, lovers, and crazy colleagues.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Hit the town.

x Teacher

Love and Lunacy

Students,

I am a man who likes to try new things. Sometimes there are things that I like very much and wonder why I lived without them (banana bread, pilates, and jewellery for intimate places fall into this category.) And then there are those things that I try but that fail to grab me (liquorice, going to bed early, and doing drag fall into this category.) But I think it is good to push oneself and not always follow conventional / safe logic. Such was the case when I recently decided to halt my embargo on boyfriends and give it a try with a handsome 32 year old Thai gentleman and fellow clubgoer. I will point out right now that the relationship such as it was is now over, but it was an interesting experiment while it lasted. It certainly roused some previously forgotten sensations in me. Love? Who knows? Here goes with the analysis…

Let's say his name is Na. We had some fun at his place one holiday weekend and I enjoyed his confident manliness and the assertiveness with which he made the moves. As previously blogged I think there is nothing more attractive than the right kind of self-confidence, and I had seen him and been noticing that for some weeks prior to our meeting. His look is certainly striking and this makes him a successful ‘It Boy’ and business owner (he is a hairdresser.) What I had categorized as a one-time encounter then turned into more when, after not replying to his messages during the week, I saw him again on Saturday night. He looked at me in an intense way that immediately shook me. It was not normal, and as the music swelled in my ears I was drawn to his arms, body, lips. I think sometimes a mood or feeling just grips you. With me it is usually impatience, exuberance at work, or enjoyment of my friends. This time the feeling for Na was complete and consuming and it stayed there as we spent the next 24 hours together.

I’m not sure if it was him or me that first suggested dating, but it was definitely him that suggested I should move into his house. This he reasoned would ensure us being around each other to see if things worked as a relationship. In hindsight it was practically viable, but it meant the exciting dating part was lost. Had we lived apart and made time for dinners, seeing a film, or going for a walk in the park, then maybe we could have kept a lightness to the experience. As it was, co-habitation made things too domesticated, too serious, too quick.

Beginning a relationship is difficult for anyone at anytime. There had been a lot of time since my last ‘proper’ relationship and even then I remember feelings were less than strong. In the intervening year+ I focused on myself, getting better after illness, and getting better as a teacher. For the first time in years I was not one half of a pair and it suited me. I never felt alone or needy and I was not particularly resentful or bitter about those who had found ‘the one’. I had friends and opportunities for flings along the way. Then I was struck by Na, this great kind handsome sexy successful guy who invited me into his life. But, as it turned out, was reluctant to invite me into his heart.

Meanwhile my heart was wide open. And this is where the ‘lunacy’ of the title comes in. My new relationship unfortunately coincided with a set of problems concerning finances and a visa. It was necessary for me to borrow cash and take a 14 hour train journey to neighbouring Laos, stress about leaving/returning to Thailand, wait 4 hours for a return train in a nowheresville, then sit for 14 hours back to Bangkok. With little else to think of and little power on my I-Pod I started to obsess. Like I dunno… Ally McBeal. Yeah. Yeesh. Sadly all of this thinking manifested itself in an epic outburst the following Friday night. This is when I knew the relationship and I were not a good mix and, through no fault of his own, Na was not ready to commit with his emotions. In other words he was understating things and I was OVERstating dramatically. It is odd when your irrational Id explodes to the surface even as your rational Ego tries desperately to kick logic into the equation and stop the words spilling out. The upshot was he clearly (and at the time rightly) thought I was somewhat psychotic… I’m not sure what other Thais in the club audience felt as outbursts like that are often part of dating here…

The remaining time of what came to be a three-week relationship was spent avoiding everything but great sex which, of course, does not have to be an emotional act. At least between gay men. (My exasperated straight male colleagues and the new Sex and the City film inform me that girls are a different story.) Anyway it all came to an end quite peaceably and at my hand when I sat him down and explained why I didn’t thinking it was working for me or him. By a stroke of luck an apartment became vacant in the same building as my friends and this thankfully ensured homelessness was not a (big) issue.

As I moved out of his house a few days later we found upon reflection that we felt basically the same and had done all along. For various good reasons relationships had been, and should have continued to be, off the cards for us. But we tried and it wasn’t something I’d call a failure or a negative experience. We will not date now, but with emotions out of the way we may get on with what we are great at. And this could be something we share together because we still like each other a lot. I hope I’m not jaded, and the possibility of being with someone long-term might be a possibility in the future. I think a problem is that the relationship I have with myself is of paramount importance and still needs more time to grow. I enjoy my life as it is – so does Na with his life – and I feel the confidence and willingness to try new things is leading me in interesting personal directions. From 17 I found myself in long-term committed relationships and though these were wonderful, fulfilling times, I now feel I missed out on making it on my own and playing the field. I was also a lot shyer then and very much immersed in the mindset of social do’s and don’ts for relationships. It wasn’t necessarily oppressive, but had that kind of life situation continued it would have closed me off from the freedom and joy I feel living now.

So students, what did I learn? I learned that I am capable of feeling deeply and caring for another guy (I wasn’t sure.) I learned that dating a Thai guy means also dating his friends. I learned that I am somewhat selfish. I like my own space and schedule, and feel weird being publicly known as part of an ‘It’ couple. I need to learn how to be domesticated too. But most of all I learned that I still have a lot to learn. And that’s not a bad thing. After all I do have youth and looks on my side…

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.

x Teacher

Return of the 'It Boy'

Students,

I welcome you back. I did not retire or run away, much less abandon you, but chose instead to give up blogging for a bit and, given the chance, live a little. I hope you will forgive me. Being permanently based in Bangkok I’ve found an entirely different lifestyle to the previous one. Natalie has affectionately coined this the lifestyle of an ‘It Boy’. There was nothing bad about Lopburi life of course but options were severely limited to teaching, computer work, swimming/sunbathing, and watching TV with friends, grass, and a cool beverage. I was afforded much time to procrastinate with you, but was longing for something more. At the start of the year fellow teachers began to evacuate town and as teaching hours reduced I realized the job I was doing lacked purpose. So I decided to defect to the big city.

Bangkok is a wild and crazy place to call home. What struck me (and Natalie and Tara after they also came here) are the unlimited options before you. It truly is possible to do anything at any time. Making friends is easy and I am glad to say I have been spending time with many more Thai guys and girls. Of course my important relationships are still with old friends (the girls and Brad) and I try to keep our lives in synch as much as possible. It is curious to me how the people in your daily life can really make such a difference to its quality and how you feel as a person. I am endlessly grateful to Randall, Joe, Calvin, and soul brother J.W. for making the move so easy. It was a life changing action for positive reasons but, as with the whole fleeing to Thailand in the first place, it was done with little money, resources, or logical sense. I am happy to continue being near such caring people. They do not even realize that their simple acts of being around gives me so much and I like to channel the options in my free time towards them.

So what of the lifestyle? The work? The play? The boys? The ladyboys?! Upon arriving I knew that I had to take care of myself and hit on the whole healthy mind healthy body thing. I enrolled at a California Wow gym little knowing that this was to be one of the single gayest places visited in my life so far. I mean I’ve been to my share of gay bars and clubs, hell I’ve even been to sex shows, saunas (a naked party!), and an underground dungeon (purely for research purposes), but none of these quite compare to the weight room at Wow. There is rarely a woman to be seen, instead you see row after row of gods with glorious virile bods. There are young guys, old guys, tall guys, small guys, guys who are ripped and guys who are lean, guys who are beefy and guys who are cute. They all flex and lunge and cruise and peruse and when they’re done improving themselves they head out to shower and steam. Wow indeed. I of course follow and, not being known for modesty, occasionally partake in peek-a-boo antics with the horny few. But why so gay? Even before you step in from the street you can hear the thumpa thumpa of the dance music that we all know so well. Along with a personal trainer whom seems determined to hook me up with other clients, I think I may have discovered one of my queer nirvanas…

…The other one being the local club. In addition to aiming for physical perfection and continued mental balance it was also my desire as an explorer to break the enforced celibacy of former dwellings. It is an understatement to say that Lopburi did not offer much in the way of male attention. When it did, our group tended to find said males were… shall we say... not too mentally ‘together’ (further details in previous posts.) In Bangkok it’s pleasingly clear that my blonde-haired blue-eyed look is more in fashion.

I have often looked in the mirror and despaired as it seems to me that constant upkeep and repair are needed to keep the foundations from crumbling. Some lucky buggers have the fortune to roll out of bed each morning and be naturally pristine. This is not the case with me. I unfortunately am naturally lazy and having a cabinet filled with products is really not my thing. However, I can tell you that my modus operandi has always been to walk into aforementioned guy bars with an ‘I look a million pounds’ attitude. Now this should not be confused with arrogance. Plenty of gays put on their labels and strut around affectedly among the poor peasants they see without their own custom Prada. What I mean is if you have confidence that you are you and that ‘you’ is pretty bloody good then you will automatically emanate an attractiveness that can’t be bought; you will be 'It'. You know? I know that attitude is what ensures attention among the crowd and that is no different here than it was in England.

.

It must be said that the number one reason (ok number two reason) I go out is to dance. I love following the music and letting loose. When I dance I do so with abandon. At its best this means that I am totally present in the now, following the beat with a big grin across my face. When I have my friends around me it is even better. If I could highlight an experience from my new life here it would be the dancing. I do it often and a lot and it regularly leads to 'A' number one favourite thing… For the ‘It Boy’ in me it all starts and ends with the dancing.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Bang cock (That one was too easy, right?!)

x Teacher

Social Update - Awakening

Students,

· A time to change. Quite a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks since my hiatus from full-time teaching. I had been so entrenched in the mindset of teaching in Lopburi that I'd come to forget that here I was in a country so diverse, full of character, and with a wealth of new experiences on offer and waiting to be lived. Instead my worldview had narrowed to a series of daily inconveniences that became my life – Why was the humidity so stifling? Why were Thai people watching my every move? What could I do with my time now it was the holidays? And how could I fight the flab I was putting on from a stationery lifestyle spent watching TV and drinking? What helped me through these inconveniences were the friends I had come to count on and the jokes we shared together. But things change. People change and they move on and now it’s time for me to do that. I want to have choice, I want to put myself into situations that are not risk-free and require me to be present in the moment and learn through doing. Most of all I want to teach the way I want because when work is good I love to work.

I came to fully realize the things that I wanted in life with my first holiday from Lopburi in some months. I went to Bangkok and immediately began to feel the kind of life that comes in a city, the movement, energy, possibilities. Without considering it I stopped the endless thinking and analyzing that had become my natural anxious state and I just embraced it. I had time and I had space. There were no appointments for me to dash to and I had a few hours before meeting friends. I decided to wander, to explore, and most importantly I decided that smiling and saying “Yes” to the world was not so difficult after all. I followed my instincts and I heard myself in a very true sense.

My instincts (and my belly) ended up leading me to sit, eat some food and drink some saki in a Japanese restaurant. I sat quietly and watched the awkward social dance between an aging foreigner and a good-natured Thai lady he was romancing… I saw two friends laughing as they fed each other California rolls… I observed a young gay couple so comfortable with each other they forgot to speak as they sat together and ate… Where before that day my mind would probably have supplied me with twinges of loneliness, right there and then I thought ‘I’m 25 and can do anything with my life. Enjoy yourself and enjoy this moment.’ And I did. In fact I walked away feeling positive and less tensed up than I’ve been in a long long while. The weekend opened up before me and has since turned into a fantastic couple of weeks that continues to be full of interesting new people, places, and memories. I put these results down to acceptance and open-mindedness. They have given me a relaxed happiness and optimism. My time to change crept up on me and now seems so obvious, but simply letting things be is how I will operate when I move to live in Bangkok next week.

· Laughing with ladyboys. A most wonderful new set of friendships came to me during my time in Bangkok. It happened quite by happy accident but I’m very grateful. After spending a lazy Sunday with my long-term foreigner mate Lee whereupon we caught up doing some of our favourite things – visiting the cinema, people-watching over ice-cream, and eating each other’s McDonald’s meals, I realized I was far too late to catch the bus back to Lopburi. I decided to ‘live in the moment’ so took off to the Silom gay district and booked into a very swanky hotel. As yet-another election alcohol curfew was ending that night I decided to celebrate with two of my favourite things – Jack Daniels and dancing at DJ Station (helpfully located next door to the hotel.) I had partied there with Thai friends – and without the aid of liquor – perfectly well the night before but as I was flying solo that Sunday I drank down some Dutch courage. I’m glad I did for I ended up meeting Mac, an interesting and very sexy Thai guy who lives between London and Bangkok and works as a fashion stylist. We spent a great couple of days together before I had to leave, but he invited me back to spend more time with his friends and to go dancing again…

When I excitedly returned for our night out (beginning with drinks at a rooftop beach bar) I got to spend a lot more time talking with Mac’s friends Kitty and Rita. They are post-op ladyboys (now technically ladies) and they are quite fabulously unlike other friends I’ve had before. In the following days I spent with them around the city and in their apartment I began to appreciate their self-assurance, kindness and generosity, and ability to laugh at themselves and the world around them.

To come to the realization that you were born as female in a male body and then go against society (even in Thailand) to be truthful to yourself and your family and live as who you are I think is fantastically brave. I highly respect Kitty and Rita and am bowled over by the forcefulness of their personalities. They are both very successful in their fashion careers and this is evidenced as they strut past queuing customers waiting in line for the most expensive clubs and are handed drink vouchers at the bar. But I am most thankful for how they welcomed me into their lives and have made me laugh time and time again (one day I laughed so uncontrollably on the sky train that other passengers looked at me worriedly as if I might be having a seizure.) When I move to Bangkok as planned (and as they helped me to decide I should do) I have arranged to live in the same apartment complex as the ladies. While interesting and sexy guys may come and go (pun intended), it is not often that you feel that some friendships are too important to lose... Very Carrie Bradshaw, right?

· Catty. I have mentioned here before the cat pe(s)t that it came to pass I should live with in Lopburi. I realize that I was somewhat disparaging in my assessment of her. The reason is that I am not a ‘cat person.’ Or I did not think I was. However on my return from Bangkok I found that a new addition to the Pleasuredome household had arrived with Brad’s second pet cat whom had been presumed lost. Having heard some bad things about the animal I cannot say I was enamoured with him from the start but now that seems to have changed and I like this one (named Paul) a whole lot more than the other. Let me explain why. Paul is a carefree soul who enjoys exploring his area and remaining on the move. Paul is very affectionate and always interested in where you are and what you are doing. He is happy to lie for a long time on your bed and keep you company. Paul always speaks his mind. If he follows you into the bathroom and you lock the door he will sit and loudly purr his displeasure at this. Similarly if he wants to come into your room and you close the door behind you he will remain unimpressed. However if you allow Paul inside yet leave the door open so he has the choice to leave, he will happily purr his appreciation of your thoughtfulness and then rub himself against your leg.

All of this has made me put aside my prior judgment of the feline species and instead observe the lessons they can teach. A cat can be blissfully happy doing almost nothing. If it is wronged it will not harbour a grudge for very long and will try to make amends by showing physical affection. It does not appear to be in a cat’s nature to feel sad or bemoan their lot in life, and it’s my theory that if they should show signs of this it is most likely to be caused by the negative energy of the humans around them. I am privileged to have been given some lessons in life by a cat. I just could never be in a committed relationship with one.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Chase your tail.

x Teacher

Post XI - Leap of Faith

Students,

Did you know that February 29th represents a ‘Leap day?’ Leap Years were added to the modern calendar to keep it in alignment with the earth’s revolutions around the sun. 2008 has 366 days which means that today is one extra day given back... Sucks for people who were born on a ‘Leap day’ as their birthday only rolls around once in a while. But what it means for the rest of us is that we are gifted a day. Makes me think something special is needed.

So far today I have not achieved very much. I was up late last night marking exam papers and this distracted me so much that for the first time since I entered The Pleasuredome a couple of weeks ago I was left to face the prospect of sleeping on THAT BED without the aid of alcoholic intoxication. The only remedy I could find to knock myself out (and also knock one out in the process) was to reach for some Sangsom and relive the raunch of the Mexican film Y tu mamá también with the delightful Gael García Bernal. When I awoke (and after clicking my spine back into place) I left and have made it so far as blogging with you. Plan was to head to Bangkok today for some r‘n’r but at some point I MUST sit down and complete my student grades. Teaching is thrilling sometimes, y’know? Thanks kids.

So now that I will be off to BKK tomorrow that leaves me in Lopburi with time on my hands and superstition on my mind. What can be done here that hasn’t be done before? Instead of making a major commitment to doing something, I am going to make a minor commitment to doing pretty much nothing. Pretty much. Rather than look at the big picture I will go small and have faith that I can fill my day with random notions requiring little effort and that make even littler sense…

…One thing I am often told is that I should smile more. Of course I live in ‘the land of smiles’ but actually smiling is quite a tricky thing to maintain when there isn’t necessarily anything to smile about. Not smiling here is frowned upon, yet lately my daily duties have been filled with tedious end-of-semester paperwork so I have not been as inclined to giggle along with the gays in my office. That will change this ‘Leap day.’ I will commit to walking home with a grin plastered across my face. I’m sure this will interest passers-by and the sellers on their food carts. Thus I will find out if smiling really does make a difference.

Another matter raising my attention lately is that I am unable to say “No.” That’s right students, as you know I am a giver but sometimes I find myself in compromising positions (read: sticky situations) because I cannot bring myself to refuse. I tell you “Yes! Yes! Yes!” is sometimes not the best answer. It can lead to terrible incidents such as detainment on long bus journeys, being forced into singing If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands to a packed auditorium of Thai students, or even (more concerningly) being videoed grinding one’s hips with a female student after being coerced into a dance routine… Yeech! Memories of Loei be gone. (BTW it is a mystery why these videos of farang never seem to turn-up even after repeated questioning… There is still one somewhere showing me in drag and on-stage shaking it as Beyoncé at a school English camp.) ANYWAY today I intend to remain non-committal, but given the ‘Leap’ I will change my response to any questions that come my way. “Maybe (baby)” is to be the final answer.

And now to Id / Ego / Superego for suggestions on how Teacher’s (precious) time woulda coulda shoulda be occupied…

Id: Honey it’s so sunny let’s do somethin’ funny. Stare up at the sun for a mo, blink wildly for a mo, and then close eyes tight to witness a variety of (exciting) blobs, stars, and flashes. ‘Leap’ time of approximately 2 minutes can then be spent making out shapes and wondering is mo’s Subconscious speaking?? Or is it just that lezzie Ego again….

Ego: As a lady of certain persuasion I can do irrational on occasion. It’s all about the mind, and the powers of the Psychosis could do with a work-out. My ‘Leap’ suggestion is to use that secret power of yours. Let’s focus on someone near – say the cute Thai guy giving his right hand a work-out over video games – and silently mind probe him into doing your bidding. Start small, maybe willing him to bend over… Where there’s a will there’s a way, right? Then it can be taken further with another kind of probing to satisfy Id. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later a mind command will come true (even if it is only that said guy turns to see a farang staring intensely and with cross-eyes) so keep faith and stay with the cause! ‘Leap’ time of approximately 5 minutes on offer here.

Superego: As you know I swing both ways so I offer a different perspective that requires a second helper. Think about it: you are a tall guy and this gives rise to much opportunity. Some are less fortunate. Be a giver this ‘Leap day.’ How about returning to The Pleasuredome, locating the cat pe(s)t and allowing It to see things from your point of view. Instead of Its usual 2' high sight, pick It up and give It a look at the world from your angle. Then reverse and take a look down there with It. Be a man, follow the pussy. ‘Leap’ time of approx. 10 minutes means I’m the winner!

So students, I have offered a whole heap of Leap possibilities for myself. How will you pleasure yourself today?

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Sleep for ‘Leap.’

x Teacher

Picture Post - 'Bloomin' lovely.'

Students,

I bring you another exciting Picture Post, this one of a delightfully gay Sunday. Lady T and I accompanied some Thai friends into the local wilderness and the Lopburi sunflower fields. We communed with nature for a while and even found a giant sunflower to stick our heads through! We then took off and spent the evening at a Japanese fair. As you can see a super day was had by all.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Lie down in your (flower) bed.

x Teacher

Picture Post - 'Teacher rocks the party!'

"Zommmmmmbbbbbbiiiiieeee!!!!!"

Post-It Note - My Bloody Valentines

Students,

It is a fact that I am not a fan of St. Valentines Day. I think it is utterly unnatural that for one day out of 365 much of the population believes it acceptable to forget all past crimes of the heart in exchange for a fluffy red teddy bear or some obscenely saccharine love note. Students, believe me when I tell you it actually is all just a ploy by the marketing industry to extort cash from every poor sap who wants to follow the crowd and prove to themselves and others that they are not unlucky in matters of the heart. Sounds far-fetched? Well unfortunately it's true.

I may also tell you that a quite nasty and infamous incident occured on February 14th 1929 and this is quite conveniently forgotten amid all the hearts and flowers. It involved the Capone gang of Chicago. In an effort to 'off' seven of his rivals in the North Side gang, Al arranged for them to rendezvous at a local garage. They were lured by way of the promise of some bootleg whisky, and upon entering were lined up by gang members dressed as police officers. Thompson sub-machine guns were then produced and quite a mess was apparently left following the slaughter of the North Side gang whom were all dressed in their best suits. In actuality there were found to be seventy machine gun bullets and two shell casings left from shotgun blasts. You may also remember how the incident caused Joe and Jerry to head off on the run, don some (rather convincing) drag and fall for the charms of 'Sugar Kane' Kowalczyk / Marilyn Monroe. My point is for some February 14th can sometimes not be all that peachy.

ANYWAY I can only assume that this year my postal delivery has been delayed en route to Thailand, but in its absence I was treated to a card passed on from one of friend Brad's students. I can tell you that this card neatly sums up two things: firstly this is the type of card I'd prefer to receive as opposed to poetry or cute fluffy things, and secondly as an insight into the Thai mentality when it comes to romance this is particularly accurate. Above is the front cover and below the inside. Thank you to Tharatorn Nimitmuenwai of 5/19...

...I have also added a Thai song that I always enjoy and think is probably saying something romantic. I asked my students for the meaning behind the song but they said it was difficult to explain - this may mean they do not want to explain to me. Nevertheless I am certain that in their song Mai Roo Jak Chun Mai Roo Tak Tur the vocalists Da and Pop are in love for all of the right reasons. And if not, at least they have sweet voices to express their pain.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Eat some heart for dinner.

x Teacher

Post-It Note - Social Update

Students,

As January ends and the long cold winter months continue (or hot and sticky and sweat-inducing months as my case may be) I feel it apt to briefly detail my comings and goings in/around the year so far with a mini(ish!) post. You will see I am labeling these as ‘Post-It Note’s’. They should hopefully go some way to satisfy your urges for Teacher’s (pillow) talk in-between usual posts and also satisfy (read: ward-off) potential psycho-stalkers. Because we don’t need anymore of them, do we? Seems I already find myself unwittingly placed in the crosshairs whenever I venture into Lopburi with my irresistible foreign companions… but that’s another matter for another blog. What I’m really saying is come here often dear students for you will find regular stimulation on this page.

· Working 9 to 5 (what a way to make a living.) All’s (s)well with my university teaching as the semester rushes to its end. No sooner had Christmas and New Year been and gone than Chinese New Year and the final exams are almost upon us. I teach six English major subjects at the local university in Reading, Writing, Creative Writing, Speaking, Hotel English, and Human Behaviour and Self-Development (read: psychology.) I enjoy the teaching immensely and the students are excellent at English (two girls are even attempting to teach me Thai!) but there is an odd paradigm when compared with my previous work teaching younger kids. Where with that I was doing conversational English to classes of 40+ five times a day and so leaving exhausted after using A LOT of energy for classroom teaching, at the university I have smaller classes but the lessons must be more involved and carefully structured in order to work. I spend A LOT of time in preparation for each two and a half hour class of the six majors. Then I have to mark homework. The teaching is the easy bit. There was an opportunity on the horizon for next semester beginning June that could have taken me back to my former school. If they decide on an agreeable salary for me I may be back there with the kids and old cronies again. If the money is right. Some might call this selling out; I call it working one’s way up to be the top. And that’s always my preferred position. As ever I will keep you posted.
· Settling down. It is almost official: Brad and I are moving in together along with Natalie. We haven’t named the date yet but house-hunting is beginning this Saturday. My (unofficial) husband and I have been living in sin for a little while now and sinners do need to stick together. Sadly in Thailand we cannot leaf through the housing pages to find the perfect shack to shack up in so we must accompany a Thai teacher around the town in search of our manse… We plan to do this while decorated in white khakis/leather trousers, pink berets, and pullovers draped over the shoulders or tied loosely around the waist. To this end we have also been practicing our flouncing and over-enthusiastic hand gesturing. It has already been decided that ‘The Pleasuredome’ (as Natalie calls it) will require a garden/yard/balcony, a guest room/sauna room/back room, a collection of kitsch dog statues, and adequate security (intercom/moat/razor wire) to deter the increasingly ardent psycho-stalkers that, as mentioned earlier, our group tends to inspire (“I love pig.”)
· The case of the ‘Single White Female.’ Unfortunately I find it my duty to make a public service announcement. The bizarrely aggressive behaviour of several Thai males appears to have rubbed off on one of ‘us.’ Said lady has taken to attempts to hoard to herself any gay men (well, let’s face it any men) that she comes into contact with. ‘Single White Female’ will attack with questions on the whereabouts of her prey and demand to know why they did not first think to call and inform her if they were I dunno, venturing to the loo or some such activity… The slightly shall we say ‘unimpressed’ undercurrent of tone to this note is owing to her perpetrating a quite unforgivable transgression on your innocent Teacher: only marginally worse than ‘cock-teasing’ is ‘cock-blocking.’ Allow me to explain. On a recent visit to her workplace Teacher was struck by an attractive Thai gent of similar persuasion to he. In accordance, flirty banter was exchanged before ‘SWF’ unceremoniously (and quite deliberately) lodged her butt and her breasts in the way so that the pretty gay men would be kept safely as her own. It is in the interests of local health and wellbeing that – like a volatile chemical – ‘SWF’ be handled very carefully and preferably held at a safe distance lest she spontaneously combust (or miraculously mutate and develop a more likeable personality.)
· Out and about. In the aforementioned Human Behaviour and Self-Development (read: psychology) class this week our topic was ‘Sexuality.’ I had been delaying coverage of this particular topic for some time and had even brought forward the class on ‘Christianity’ as avoidance (!). However it could be avoided no longer. So as to initiate a less academic and more personal discussion, I thought it best to ‘out’ myself to the ten girls of the class and then they could get answers on any gay-related questions they had ‘from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak. This ‘outing’ was my first in some time and I think was largely successful, though it must be said that exclamations of “A lie wa?” (English: “What the f*ck?”) were heard from most of the girls for some minutes after my announcement. Among the (invited) questions they asked me were “Teacher, because of God are you going to Hell?”, “Have you ever sexed a ladyboy?”, and “What is a gay king and queen?” This latter question, which I suspect was posed to make me squirm (more) I found could only be answered by pointing the index finger of my right hand, forming a ‘hole’ shape with the thumb and forefinger of my left, and stabbing the ‘king’ into the hole of the ‘queen’. Sometimes I think that for a youth that enjoys so much sex, young Thais seem not to know all that much. For example who didn’t know that Ricky Martin was gay??!! Next week I will be accompanying a group including that same class of students on a field trip to a town in Northern Thailand. I can’t seem to pronounce the name of this town to the Thais approval, much less write it, but I would guess it’s spelling to be something like Loei. Thankfully I have been granted a single hotel room separate from the two gay teachers who seemed so oddly eager to bunk with me, and perhaps the trip will allow my students to properly carry-out the homework from their ‘Sexuality’ class: find Teacher a boyfriend. Kidding… (Half kidding.)
· Hello? Is anybody there? Friends are like bats. Sometimes you see them flying at you and can choose whether to continue and deal with them or duck for cover and hide. Sometimes you only notice them when they smack right into you, attach themselves with their sticky wings, and then have to be forcibly extricated from your person. They also have a tendency to only come out at night, hang upside down, and occasionally, turn nasty and try to suck blood from your jugular. In most cases though they are still around but you don’t hear from them for ages until an outbreak seems to occur and you can’t even go to 7/11 without being plagued by them. Students, the point is that one’s faithful friends appear to have gone into hiding somewhere and it is time to raise my voice to a few notables in order that their sensory hearing might pick me up and get back to me:

Steve – Thank you for your e-mail but tell me more about your theatre world in the ‘burgh.
Rosie – I miss your Grace Adler stylings and long for another night in Soho partying with Matt’s sticky dildo.
Zoé – Sorry I was basically asleep when you called. Nevertheless I find the Supernatural date tremendously exciting and demand to be the first person called on your return from LA.
Ria – I hope you are enjoying London. I hear it's pretty Welsh?
Tamsin – I hope you are not having any ‘mental episode’s’ without your teaching partner at your side. And what are you ‘expecting’?

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket... Supoib.

x Teacher

Picture Post - 'Gaylienation.'

Students,

Today your esteemed teacher invented a new word: 'gaylienation.' This word combines several others, namely: gay, lie, alien, nation, and alienation. It is coined to describe one's outsider feelings in the world given the propensity for seeing sex all around yet receiving no 'A' for oneself, thus you would be 'gaylienated.'

Please see below some pictures from the world around me (and in my head) that may better explain this delightful new bit of terminology. You will note among these representations: fruit, an underground passage from former employment when goods were more 'plentiful', the 'big bang' of fireworks, a Thai cave entrance, and an image depicting the desperation felt when balloons (read: hope) floats away...

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Embrace the queer.

x Teacher