Bachelor Pad

Students,

Although you may be only vaguely familiar with your teacher’s domestic life, I am delighted to report of my first permanent dwelling in Bangkok. After moving from The Pleasuredome, rooming with friends, and then a significant other (as previously blogged), I am now renting a spacious bachelor pad in a veritable gay community. My new one-bedroom apartment is within walking distance from the nightlife you know I am so fond of, and is also surrounded by a collection of happy homo-owners (sorry.)

It turns out that the ill-advised relationship of a few weeks prior allowed just enough time for a rental opportunity to come up in the building I previously stayed. Making an agreement with my friends and lodgers now means they’re my landlords, and we’ve embarked on doing up the pad with eclectic yet tasteful flair. So far I have a fully functional kitchen sporting a gas stove should I wish to (or have time to) cook. I also have a large fridge/freezer should I wish to chill anything other than water, wine, vodka, and ice (perfect dinner for one.)

In the bathroom I have a shower that fits two (already tested) and in the bedroom I have an Asian-style floor bed to accommodate myself and any Asian-styled guests (already tested.) The bedroom itself has some very bold apple-green walls and raspberry coloured decorative items. Of course the bed is black. From the bedroom one (or two) can access an outside balcony with enough floor space and privacy come any eventuality (already tested.) Two very important bedroom features are a Narnia-effect built-in closet (insert own joke here) and a stylish CD player for all those pre-club warm-ups… and post-club warm-ups…

The big decision now is whatever to do with the remainder of my main room. The kitchen and dining areas occupy some of its dimensions, but what is left offers tantalizing opportunities for private pleasures. Who could resist a cushioned dancefloor? Play room with accessories to bind and unwind? Ultimately this is an issue upon which I turn to you, devoted delinquent designers…

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Design for thine.

x Teacher

Social Update - Awakening

Students,

· A time to change. Quite a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks since my hiatus from full-time teaching. I had been so entrenched in the mindset of teaching in Lopburi that I'd come to forget that here I was in a country so diverse, full of character, and with a wealth of new experiences on offer and waiting to be lived. Instead my worldview had narrowed to a series of daily inconveniences that became my life – Why was the humidity so stifling? Why were Thai people watching my every move? What could I do with my time now it was the holidays? And how could I fight the flab I was putting on from a stationery lifestyle spent watching TV and drinking? What helped me through these inconveniences were the friends I had come to count on and the jokes we shared together. But things change. People change and they move on and now it’s time for me to do that. I want to have choice, I want to put myself into situations that are not risk-free and require me to be present in the moment and learn through doing. Most of all I want to teach the way I want because when work is good I love to work.

I came to fully realize the things that I wanted in life with my first holiday from Lopburi in some months. I went to Bangkok and immediately began to feel the kind of life that comes in a city, the movement, energy, possibilities. Without considering it I stopped the endless thinking and analyzing that had become my natural anxious state and I just embraced it. I had time and I had space. There were no appointments for me to dash to and I had a few hours before meeting friends. I decided to wander, to explore, and most importantly I decided that smiling and saying “Yes” to the world was not so difficult after all. I followed my instincts and I heard myself in a very true sense.

My instincts (and my belly) ended up leading me to sit, eat some food and drink some saki in a Japanese restaurant. I sat quietly and watched the awkward social dance between an aging foreigner and a good-natured Thai lady he was romancing… I saw two friends laughing as they fed each other California rolls… I observed a young gay couple so comfortable with each other they forgot to speak as they sat together and ate… Where before that day my mind would probably have supplied me with twinges of loneliness, right there and then I thought ‘I’m 25 and can do anything with my life. Enjoy yourself and enjoy this moment.’ And I did. In fact I walked away feeling positive and less tensed up than I’ve been in a long long while. The weekend opened up before me and has since turned into a fantastic couple of weeks that continues to be full of interesting new people, places, and memories. I put these results down to acceptance and open-mindedness. They have given me a relaxed happiness and optimism. My time to change crept up on me and now seems so obvious, but simply letting things be is how I will operate when I move to live in Bangkok next week.

· Laughing with ladyboys. A most wonderful new set of friendships came to me during my time in Bangkok. It happened quite by happy accident but I’m very grateful. After spending a lazy Sunday with my long-term foreigner mate Lee whereupon we caught up doing some of our favourite things – visiting the cinema, people-watching over ice-cream, and eating each other’s McDonald’s meals, I realized I was far too late to catch the bus back to Lopburi. I decided to ‘live in the moment’ so took off to the Silom gay district and booked into a very swanky hotel. As yet-another election alcohol curfew was ending that night I decided to celebrate with two of my favourite things – Jack Daniels and dancing at DJ Station (helpfully located next door to the hotel.) I had partied there with Thai friends – and without the aid of liquor – perfectly well the night before but as I was flying solo that Sunday I drank down some Dutch courage. I’m glad I did for I ended up meeting Mac, an interesting and very sexy Thai guy who lives between London and Bangkok and works as a fashion stylist. We spent a great couple of days together before I had to leave, but he invited me back to spend more time with his friends and to go dancing again…

When I excitedly returned for our night out (beginning with drinks at a rooftop beach bar) I got to spend a lot more time talking with Mac’s friends Kitty and Rita. They are post-op ladyboys (now technically ladies) and they are quite fabulously unlike other friends I’ve had before. In the following days I spent with them around the city and in their apartment I began to appreciate their self-assurance, kindness and generosity, and ability to laugh at themselves and the world around them.

To come to the realization that you were born as female in a male body and then go against society (even in Thailand) to be truthful to yourself and your family and live as who you are I think is fantastically brave. I highly respect Kitty and Rita and am bowled over by the forcefulness of their personalities. They are both very successful in their fashion careers and this is evidenced as they strut past queuing customers waiting in line for the most expensive clubs and are handed drink vouchers at the bar. But I am most thankful for how they welcomed me into their lives and have made me laugh time and time again (one day I laughed so uncontrollably on the sky train that other passengers looked at me worriedly as if I might be having a seizure.) When I move to Bangkok as planned (and as they helped me to decide I should do) I have arranged to live in the same apartment complex as the ladies. While interesting and sexy guys may come and go (pun intended), it is not often that you feel that some friendships are too important to lose... Very Carrie Bradshaw, right?

· Catty. I have mentioned here before the cat pe(s)t that it came to pass I should live with in Lopburi. I realize that I was somewhat disparaging in my assessment of her. The reason is that I am not a ‘cat person.’ Or I did not think I was. However on my return from Bangkok I found that a new addition to the Pleasuredome household had arrived with Brad’s second pet cat whom had been presumed lost. Having heard some bad things about the animal I cannot say I was enamoured with him from the start but now that seems to have changed and I like this one (named Paul) a whole lot more than the other. Let me explain why. Paul is a carefree soul who enjoys exploring his area and remaining on the move. Paul is very affectionate and always interested in where you are and what you are doing. He is happy to lie for a long time on your bed and keep you company. Paul always speaks his mind. If he follows you into the bathroom and you lock the door he will sit and loudly purr his displeasure at this. Similarly if he wants to come into your room and you close the door behind you he will remain unimpressed. However if you allow Paul inside yet leave the door open so he has the choice to leave, he will happily purr his appreciation of your thoughtfulness and then rub himself against your leg.

All of this has made me put aside my prior judgment of the feline species and instead observe the lessons they can teach. A cat can be blissfully happy doing almost nothing. If it is wronged it will not harbour a grudge for very long and will try to make amends by showing physical affection. It does not appear to be in a cat’s nature to feel sad or bemoan their lot in life, and it’s my theory that if they should show signs of this it is most likely to be caused by the negative energy of the humans around them. I am privileged to have been given some lessons in life by a cat. I just could never be in a committed relationship with one.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Chase your tail.

x Teacher

Post XI - Leap of Faith

Students,

Did you know that February 29th represents a ‘Leap day?’ Leap Years were added to the modern calendar to keep it in alignment with the earth’s revolutions around the sun. 2008 has 366 days which means that today is one extra day given back... Sucks for people who were born on a ‘Leap day’ as their birthday only rolls around once in a while. But what it means for the rest of us is that we are gifted a day. Makes me think something special is needed.

So far today I have not achieved very much. I was up late last night marking exam papers and this distracted me so much that for the first time since I entered The Pleasuredome a couple of weeks ago I was left to face the prospect of sleeping on THAT BED without the aid of alcoholic intoxication. The only remedy I could find to knock myself out (and also knock one out in the process) was to reach for some Sangsom and relive the raunch of the Mexican film Y tu mamá también with the delightful Gael García Bernal. When I awoke (and after clicking my spine back into place) I left and have made it so far as blogging with you. Plan was to head to Bangkok today for some r‘n’r but at some point I MUST sit down and complete my student grades. Teaching is thrilling sometimes, y’know? Thanks kids.

So now that I will be off to BKK tomorrow that leaves me in Lopburi with time on my hands and superstition on my mind. What can be done here that hasn’t be done before? Instead of making a major commitment to doing something, I am going to make a minor commitment to doing pretty much nothing. Pretty much. Rather than look at the big picture I will go small and have faith that I can fill my day with random notions requiring little effort and that make even littler sense…

…One thing I am often told is that I should smile more. Of course I live in ‘the land of smiles’ but actually smiling is quite a tricky thing to maintain when there isn’t necessarily anything to smile about. Not smiling here is frowned upon, yet lately my daily duties have been filled with tedious end-of-semester paperwork so I have not been as inclined to giggle along with the gays in my office. That will change this ‘Leap day.’ I will commit to walking home with a grin plastered across my face. I’m sure this will interest passers-by and the sellers on their food carts. Thus I will find out if smiling really does make a difference.

Another matter raising my attention lately is that I am unable to say “No.” That’s right students, as you know I am a giver but sometimes I find myself in compromising positions (read: sticky situations) because I cannot bring myself to refuse. I tell you “Yes! Yes! Yes!” is sometimes not the best answer. It can lead to terrible incidents such as detainment on long bus journeys, being forced into singing If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands to a packed auditorium of Thai students, or even (more concerningly) being videoed grinding one’s hips with a female student after being coerced into a dance routine… Yeech! Memories of Loei be gone. (BTW it is a mystery why these videos of farang never seem to turn-up even after repeated questioning… There is still one somewhere showing me in drag and on-stage shaking it as Beyoncé at a school English camp.) ANYWAY today I intend to remain non-committal, but given the ‘Leap’ I will change my response to any questions that come my way. “Maybe (baby)” is to be the final answer.

And now to Id / Ego / Superego for suggestions on how Teacher’s (precious) time woulda coulda shoulda be occupied…

Id: Honey it’s so sunny let’s do somethin’ funny. Stare up at the sun for a mo, blink wildly for a mo, and then close eyes tight to witness a variety of (exciting) blobs, stars, and flashes. ‘Leap’ time of approximately 2 minutes can then be spent making out shapes and wondering is mo’s Subconscious speaking?? Or is it just that lezzie Ego again….

Ego: As a lady of certain persuasion I can do irrational on occasion. It’s all about the mind, and the powers of the Psychosis could do with a work-out. My ‘Leap’ suggestion is to use that secret power of yours. Let’s focus on someone near – say the cute Thai guy giving his right hand a work-out over video games – and silently mind probe him into doing your bidding. Start small, maybe willing him to bend over… Where there’s a will there’s a way, right? Then it can be taken further with another kind of probing to satisfy Id. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later a mind command will come true (even if it is only that said guy turns to see a farang staring intensely and with cross-eyes) so keep faith and stay with the cause! ‘Leap’ time of approximately 5 minutes on offer here.

Superego: As you know I swing both ways so I offer a different perspective that requires a second helper. Think about it: you are a tall guy and this gives rise to much opportunity. Some are less fortunate. Be a giver this ‘Leap day.’ How about returning to The Pleasuredome, locating the cat pe(s)t and allowing It to see things from your point of view. Instead of Its usual 2' high sight, pick It up and give It a look at the world from your angle. Then reverse and take a look down there with It. Be a man, follow the pussy. ‘Leap’ time of approx. 10 minutes means I’m the winner!

So students, I have offered a whole heap of Leap possibilities for myself. How will you pleasure yourself today?

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Sleep for ‘Leap.’

x Teacher

Post IX - I Have Never

Students,

I find myself at the semi-regular (for me) junction in life where one wonders what to do next. There are of course many many opportunities for a semi-employable chap such as myself, but like Julia Roberts discovered in My Best Friend’s Wedding, reaching the 25+ wilderness of life requires one to take action and take back what you want. Unlike Julia Roberts (and her crazy nest of hair) I prefer to take action in matters of career not heart, and I find this leaves me devoid of psychotic bitch tendencies and/or the likelihood of making Cameron Diaz cry. Besides, why would anyone stalk that pouty ex of hers (and fiancé of Cameron) when she already has Rupert Everett on speed dial??? Priorities Julia. But I digress. In pondering what path to travel next I really have two options: stay in Lopburi and in the Pleasuredome (see previous post) or take my chances – and try again for another job – in Bangkok (see previous post.) I’m not sure at this point if I quite have the strength to return to the city and face more rudeness, so instead of being pro-active I will spend some time talking out of my navel with you dear students.

As mentioned I regrettably have reached the quarter century mark and this may (or may not) have launched me into my current series of existential episodes. One wonders what dreams are meant to be followed in the short time left…How one’s words and deeds can be assured of living on as time approaches one’s eventual extinction (especially as in my case no little junior’s will be left behind…) It seems apt then to save for posterity what has gone before. So I would like to introduce a psychoanalytical technique known colloquially as ‘I Have Never.’ Simply put all that is required is that the speaker (in this case Teacher) detail past deeds they have survived and then the captive audience (in this case Students) down a short of liquor if they have ever done the deed. At this point I authorize you to pull out your hip flask and pull out your moves. Work that drinking arm and exercise that trick jaw.

20 ‘I Have Never’s (in no particular order):

♂ Dated a millionaire. ♂ Trashed a hotel room like a rock star. Then bolted. ♂ Got the Romantic notion to run away from home on the back of a horse. ♂ Been stalked. ♂ Been a stalker. ♂ Done the kamikaze slide at a water park. ♂ Got a tattoo. ♂ Cooked and eaten haggis. ♂ Worked as PA to magician Paul Daniels (the glamour!) ♂ Been very naked in a very public place. ♂ Been robbed by a monkey. ♂ Drunkenly informed a (former) friend’s concerned mother that I had ‘A’ in her house. ♂ Been told off by police for ‘lewd’ behaviour. ♂ Ran for my city and swam for my county. ♂ Walked (almost) every trail and fell in the English Lake District. ♂ Survived a high(ish)-speed car crash (not my fault, either.) ♂ Caused a foreign tourist in my care to vomit out of terror. ♂ Broken someone’s heart x2. ♂ Stripped on-stage. ♂ Been so starved of money I starved myself and ate nothing but jam and pickles for two days.

Now all I have to do is pass some more time by thinking of things to do before I die... Students, I think I should confiscate that alcohol. It’s for the best.

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Sober up.

x Teacher

Social Update - The Pleasuredome

Students,

It is with deep joy that I am to inform you of my new home. The sprawling manse now occupied by Brad, Natalie, and myself was previously occupied by Christians (shudder) but enough sinful acts have no doubt been performed within its walls since we took up residence a couple of weeks ago that it can now be officially confirmed as ours.

How to describe our Pleasuredome? As you enter it has a pleasant open space with chairs and a table that resemble those usually found in a waiting area. Until we can furnish this area with a sofa or the owner supplies us with a TV we will doubtless continue to sit here with the nagging feeling that something akin to a gastro check-up is awaiting us. However after expressing her desires for good mood lighting (a desire born from a childhood bedroom in eighteen tickety-boo fashioned with operating theatre strip lighting), Natalie has installed a string of illuminated balls that makes things altogether more bearable. For my part I have brought the ‘OCD lamp’ (it is covered in wicker triangles) gifted to me on my birthday by the gay teachers club. Both items enhance the area as does the raised gold cardboard impression of His Majesty on our patriotic calendar. We have a kitchen area which has already seen the effects of a bubbling pot of bolognese sauce. It also has a tiled work surface which our resident cat pe(s)t is partial to.

In our Pleasuredome we each have a bedroom all our own and a bed we each wish was not our own. Seriously, if I ever meet the sadist that made what could loosely be described as a bed and more accurately as a device designed to inflict muscular pain then they had better beware. I’d happily strap their sorry back to it and have myself some fun with them (and the painful part would be felt along their un-exposed spinal chord.) On the bright side the house enjoys plenty of sunlight and (occasionally) the odd cooling breeze. Brad has taken to scheduling waking-up so he is in synch with our neighbour taking a shower. As houses are so close together he tells me that many perving opportunities are afforded us, and I reply telling him that it is just a pity there are no hotties in this community worth having stake outs by the window for. Oh, and stop being a perv.

Along with the aforementioned cat pe(s)t there are a couple of other species which are a matter of concern and, fittingly, they only come out at night... Unfortunately the canines around us react to the slightest pin drop and when one of them begins to howl we get a chorus. At first seismic activity was suspected as the cause and we were momentarily worried, but now this has been ruled out and the temptation is to embark on some midnight poisoning. An altogether more sinister problem is that of the bat population. Far be it from me to be nervous of something smaller than I (in fact problems usually only occur when attempting to facilitate something bigger than I), but I do not enjoy these winged beasts f*cking with my head as they dive-bomb for it. Something must be done!

The last thing I will say about our Pleasuredome is that it is a great pleasure to be roomies with such Delightful Types. The relaxation factor is always very high and makes one yearn for the simple life devoid of work or material concerns. Natalie and I are primarily concerned with obtaining oral pleasure (putting things in our mouths as much as possible) while Brad and I have taken to late-night viewing of some choice material on the DVD player. Divine friendships!!!

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Shack-up student-style.

x Teacher

Post-It Note - Social Update

Students,

As January ends and the long cold winter months continue (or hot and sticky and sweat-inducing months as my case may be) I feel it apt to briefly detail my comings and goings in/around the year so far with a mini(ish!) post. You will see I am labeling these as ‘Post-It Note’s’. They should hopefully go some way to satisfy your urges for Teacher’s (pillow) talk in-between usual posts and also satisfy (read: ward-off) potential psycho-stalkers. Because we don’t need anymore of them, do we? Seems I already find myself unwittingly placed in the crosshairs whenever I venture into Lopburi with my irresistible foreign companions… but that’s another matter for another blog. What I’m really saying is come here often dear students for you will find regular stimulation on this page.

· Working 9 to 5 (what a way to make a living.) All’s (s)well with my university teaching as the semester rushes to its end. No sooner had Christmas and New Year been and gone than Chinese New Year and the final exams are almost upon us. I teach six English major subjects at the local university in Reading, Writing, Creative Writing, Speaking, Hotel English, and Human Behaviour and Self-Development (read: psychology.) I enjoy the teaching immensely and the students are excellent at English (two girls are even attempting to teach me Thai!) but there is an odd paradigm when compared with my previous work teaching younger kids. Where with that I was doing conversational English to classes of 40+ five times a day and so leaving exhausted after using A LOT of energy for classroom teaching, at the university I have smaller classes but the lessons must be more involved and carefully structured in order to work. I spend A LOT of time in preparation for each two and a half hour class of the six majors. Then I have to mark homework. The teaching is the easy bit. There was an opportunity on the horizon for next semester beginning June that could have taken me back to my former school. If they decide on an agreeable salary for me I may be back there with the kids and old cronies again. If the money is right. Some might call this selling out; I call it working one’s way up to be the top. And that’s always my preferred position. As ever I will keep you posted.
· Settling down. It is almost official: Brad and I are moving in together along with Natalie. We haven’t named the date yet but house-hunting is beginning this Saturday. My (unofficial) husband and I have been living in sin for a little while now and sinners do need to stick together. Sadly in Thailand we cannot leaf through the housing pages to find the perfect shack to shack up in so we must accompany a Thai teacher around the town in search of our manse… We plan to do this while decorated in white khakis/leather trousers, pink berets, and pullovers draped over the shoulders or tied loosely around the waist. To this end we have also been practicing our flouncing and over-enthusiastic hand gesturing. It has already been decided that ‘The Pleasuredome’ (as Natalie calls it) will require a garden/yard/balcony, a guest room/sauna room/back room, a collection of kitsch dog statues, and adequate security (intercom/moat/razor wire) to deter the increasingly ardent psycho-stalkers that, as mentioned earlier, our group tends to inspire (“I love pig.”)
· The case of the ‘Single White Female.’ Unfortunately I find it my duty to make a public service announcement. The bizarrely aggressive behaviour of several Thai males appears to have rubbed off on one of ‘us.’ Said lady has taken to attempts to hoard to herself any gay men (well, let’s face it any men) that she comes into contact with. ‘Single White Female’ will attack with questions on the whereabouts of her prey and demand to know why they did not first think to call and inform her if they were I dunno, venturing to the loo or some such activity… The slightly shall we say ‘unimpressed’ undercurrent of tone to this note is owing to her perpetrating a quite unforgivable transgression on your innocent Teacher: only marginally worse than ‘cock-teasing’ is ‘cock-blocking.’ Allow me to explain. On a recent visit to her workplace Teacher was struck by an attractive Thai gent of similar persuasion to he. In accordance, flirty banter was exchanged before ‘SWF’ unceremoniously (and quite deliberately) lodged her butt and her breasts in the way so that the pretty gay men would be kept safely as her own. It is in the interests of local health and wellbeing that – like a volatile chemical – ‘SWF’ be handled very carefully and preferably held at a safe distance lest she spontaneously combust (or miraculously mutate and develop a more likeable personality.)
· Out and about. In the aforementioned Human Behaviour and Self-Development (read: psychology) class this week our topic was ‘Sexuality.’ I had been delaying coverage of this particular topic for some time and had even brought forward the class on ‘Christianity’ as avoidance (!). However it could be avoided no longer. So as to initiate a less academic and more personal discussion, I thought it best to ‘out’ myself to the ten girls of the class and then they could get answers on any gay-related questions they had ‘from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak. This ‘outing’ was my first in some time and I think was largely successful, though it must be said that exclamations of “A lie wa?” (English: “What the f*ck?”) were heard from most of the girls for some minutes after my announcement. Among the (invited) questions they asked me were “Teacher, because of God are you going to Hell?”, “Have you ever sexed a ladyboy?”, and “What is a gay king and queen?” This latter question, which I suspect was posed to make me squirm (more) I found could only be answered by pointing the index finger of my right hand, forming a ‘hole’ shape with the thumb and forefinger of my left, and stabbing the ‘king’ into the hole of the ‘queen’. Sometimes I think that for a youth that enjoys so much sex, young Thais seem not to know all that much. For example who didn’t know that Ricky Martin was gay??!! Next week I will be accompanying a group including that same class of students on a field trip to a town in Northern Thailand. I can’t seem to pronounce the name of this town to the Thais approval, much less write it, but I would guess it’s spelling to be something like Loei. Thankfully I have been granted a single hotel room separate from the two gay teachers who seemed so oddly eager to bunk with me, and perhaps the trip will allow my students to properly carry-out the homework from their ‘Sexuality’ class: find Teacher a boyfriend. Kidding… (Half kidding.)
· Hello? Is anybody there? Friends are like bats. Sometimes you see them flying at you and can choose whether to continue and deal with them or duck for cover and hide. Sometimes you only notice them when they smack right into you, attach themselves with their sticky wings, and then have to be forcibly extricated from your person. They also have a tendency to only come out at night, hang upside down, and occasionally, turn nasty and try to suck blood from your jugular. In most cases though they are still around but you don’t hear from them for ages until an outbreak seems to occur and you can’t even go to 7/11 without being plagued by them. Students, the point is that one’s faithful friends appear to have gone into hiding somewhere and it is time to raise my voice to a few notables in order that their sensory hearing might pick me up and get back to me:

Steve – Thank you for your e-mail but tell me more about your theatre world in the ‘burgh.
Rosie – I miss your Grace Adler stylings and long for another night in Soho partying with Matt’s sticky dildo.
Zoé – Sorry I was basically asleep when you called. Nevertheless I find the Supernatural date tremendously exciting and demand to be the first person called on your return from LA.
Ria – I hope you are enjoying London. I hear it's pretty Welsh?
Tamsin – I hope you are not having any ‘mental episode’s’ without your teaching partner at your side. And what are you ‘expecting’?

Comments? Questions? Class you may be excused.

Homework: Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket... Supoib.

x Teacher